Jon Walters spent nearly two decades running around football pitches but he probably never thought he'd go on the run he was forced to take on yesterday.
Former Ireland forward Jon Walters has shared the story of a rather bizarre encounter that took place outside his home yesterday. When the first post of an anecdotal Twitter thread includes the poo emoji, you know you're in for a fairly bonkers tale and that's exactly how Jon kicked things off this morning.
Showing that he means business, the former Stoke City man begins in all caps by typing: 'TRUE STORY FROM YESTERDAY!.. I was walking with my wife and dog out of the gate to my house and saw a man squatting, shorts around ankles, exposing everything and leaving us a present.'
It's here that Jon inserts the poo emoji, in case anyone was still unclear. He goes on to say 'He spots us, pulls up shorts and proceeds to sprint off...'
TRUE STORY FROM YESTERDAY!..I was walking with my wife and dog out of the gate to my house and saw a man squatting, shorts around ankles, exposing everything and leaving us a present💩 He spots us, pulls up shorts and proceeds to sprint off...
— Jonathan Walters (@JonWalters19) March 23, 2020
This is when an already ludicrous story really gets going as Walters continues his lengthy thread by posting: 'Looking like a runner, with short shorts, backpack and drinking straws coming out of his backpack. He set off at a rapid pace, disappeared around a bend and up an extremely steep country lane. I sprang over the gate and proceeded to chase the phantom sh*tter...'
He continues: 'I soon realised this guy was a decent runner but he had seriously underestimated my hill sprinting ability. Running on a 45-degree hill I was catching him up fast whilst telling him so. He had all the gear and no idea! I caught him up stopping him in his tracks...'
The alleged culprit is eventually caught and appears to think he has done nothing wrong as Walters explains: 'I proceeded to tell him to go back to clean it up. He then began to argue what he had done was acceptable and demands tissue paper and a bag! I told him to use the pretty red T-shirt he’s wearing. A neighbour hears the commotion. She comes out and begins to tell him how disgusting he is. I have now frogmarched him back down to the site of the defecation and the offender, armed with a plastic bag provided by Lynne my neighbour, proceeds to clean up his mess.'
With the best of modern technology available to him, Jon takes the mobile out, as he continues: 'With my phone in hand, I decided to take a short video of him doing so...as proof! He then physically removes my phone out of my hand saying "No, No, No!" I physically retrieve my phone back and he realises he’s still a runner, with all the gear and no idea!'
You've already gotten this far into the maddest story of the day so you might as well read the ending...
'An older couple, having watched the whole episode unfold in front of them approach me. With a wry smile on his face the husband tells me that he told his wife “There’s no chance he’s getting away from him!” Honestly the lengths people are going to at the moment to avoid using their toilet roll is beyond me. I think the offender should come back and apologise to my wife, kids and neighbours who could’ve easily trod in his disgusting mess, or could also post the video I took of him and put it on social media to hopefully deter him from doing this again. Remember to stay safe, social distance yourselves and don’t go sh*tting on other people’s property!'
Not sure anyone really wants to see that video, Jon. Still, if anyone hadn't fully woken up yet this Monday morning, they most likely have after reading all that.
The sooner we can all get back to normality, the better.