When you’re a kid, you’re pretty happy to take Christmas songs at face value. After all, they’re not supposed to mean anything, they’re just supposed to get you in a festive mood.
But after you’ve listened to these songs every year, you realise that some Christmas songs are really weird. Like…
1. Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town is a stalker song
HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU’RE SLEEPING, HE KNOWS WHEN YOU’RE AWAKE
2. Baby It’s Cold Outside is problematic
Dude, how many times does she have to say no for you to get the point?
3. The people who sing We Wish You A Merry Christmas are dicks
‘We want some figgy pudding so bring some out here?’ Feck off carollers
4. Santa Baby is the gold digger anthem
All told the requests, including a yacht and the deed to a platinum mine, add up to millions.
5. Frosty The Snowman is legit a horror story
The snowman comes to life, only to melt away when the weather changes. Is there a more horrible death?
6. Wizzard have no idea how science works
“When the snowman brings the snow”? Pretty sure it’s the other way around guys.
7. Stop The Cavalry is about the world ending
“Mary Bradley waits at home in the nuclear fall-out zone”
8. Do They Know It’s Christmas? is just so racist
Africa is majority Christian, so yeah they do know it’s Christmas. And it’s even worse that they redid the song 30 years later when they knew better.
9. It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas is about parents who don’t want their children around
“And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again”
10. The 12 Days Of Christmas presents suck
Seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves and a partridge in a pear tree? They’re basically all birds.
Plus then you have all these strangers gathering outside your house. The only good present is the five gold rings.
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