As your 30th birthday approaches, it slowly dawns on you that ageing really is a thing that applies to you too. That's when the panic sets in.
In an effort to help you get your life together before you reach dirty 30, we've put together a checklist of things you need to know before you get there.
All you have to do is start figuring out the following...
1. How to hold a baby (without looking like you're going to drop it)
Let's start with the big 'un.
More and more people will attempt to place them in your hands as you get older, so it's up to you to not be that guy who dropped an infant.
2. What the random numbers on your payslip mean
There comes a time when you must stop being distracted by all those pretty money numbers and pay attention to the boring numbers.
3. How to avoid going on nights out
Hangovers are no longer worth it, drink is too expensive, and it's awfully noisy in pubs these days.
As soon as you admit that being in your pyjamas by 8pm is what you really want in life, the happier you'll be.
4. How to complete an IKEA trip in an hour
There will be no fecking around anymore, you're gonna be in and out like a fiddler's elbow.
5. What the quickest way is to make yourself presentable when hungover in work
Please maintain your composure while in the throes of agony. That's what adulthood is mostly about.
6. What the deal is with health insurance
So your parents kicked you off the family plan and now you're in medical care limbo.
Right now you're operating on the assumption that you're too young to actually get sick, but that logic seems less sound with each passing day.
7. What the difference is between gloss and emulsion is
And here you thought being a grown up would be boring.
8. How to cook a roast dinner without burning the house down
Thereby earning the respect of your mam at long last.
9. How to budget
You can't live on the dregs of your cupboard/freezer for the week before payday anymore. This shit has to stop.
10. What a tracker mortgage is
Even though we know the very idea of googling it is exhausting.
11. How to accept that you're no longer 'with it'
How do I put this gently... you're no longer cool and never will be again.
12. What to say at a funeral
The older you get the more of these you'll attend (yay, depressing!), so just being awkward and sad isn't going to cut it anymore.
Our advice is simply pick a stock phrase of consolation and stick to it.
13. How to ask for a raise
You have to be big enough and bold enough to barge into the boss' office and make loud demands for more cash.
Okay, you might want to handle it a bit more delicately than that.
14. What the deal is with pensions
The first step is overcoming the eye-roll and mental groan that accompanies the very mention of the word pension.
15. How to not freak out on each and every birthday for the rest of your life
Probably the most important thing to figure out before you're 30, because it's probably not gonna get any easier with each passing year...
16. And, of course, how to readjust your entire vision of the future
That plan you've had to be a millionaire has not come to fruition and if anything, it looks less likely by the day. It might be time to set those sights a little lower.