Even on a fantasy lineup it'd be tough to beat Former State Pathologist Marie Cassidy, but we'll give it a go.
As the lineup for this years' Dancing With the Stars is being released bit by bit, we're reminded that like planet Earth's fossil fuels, Ireland is running out of celebrities.
When compiling this list I thought to myself, "who would be absolutely gas to have on DWTS?" I mentally scanned some of the most culturally significant, meme-able moments over the last few years, ones centred around people who were by no means celebrities, but who we all seemed to know for some reason or other. Voice note assassin Erin McGregor? She's done it. Gatekeeper of unnecessary journeys Teresa Mannion? She's done it. That singing priest who randomly went viral on YouTube? Feck it anyway, he's done it and all.
So, considering the celebrities that have competed in previous years and continuing on in a similar vein, we've rounded up some of the national treasures we'd love to see competing on any future instalments of DWTS Ireland. Are they stars? No. Would we tune in to watch them every Sunday night? Most definitely.
Enya('s primary school teacher)
Seeing as her siblings are award-winning musicians in their own right, and her staff are probably subject to strict NDAs, we feel a friendly múinteoir from Gweedore, Donegal who may or may not have taught Enya times tables in the 6os would be the perfect addition to any future series of DWTS.
The off-screen producer who interviewed Nadine Coyle about her missing passport
Larkhill's resident Gemini Nadine is obviously far too busy to sign up for ten weeks of tango-ing, and as for the passport itself? It remains famously MIA and therefore out of the running. But the producer who worked on that one episode of Popstars way back in 2001? Surely she could commit to an episode or two.
The person who sold the Man Who Slipped on the Ice his first pair of runners after he slipped on the ice
At this stage, we as a nation need to accept we'll probably never track down the man who slipped on that fateful patch of ice back in 2010. He'll never come forward and reveal himself and that's his prerogative. But what if we could track down the person who sold him his first pair of runners after the slip? Obviously, he would have been looking for shoes with impeccable gripping potential, ones that wouldn't betray him like his last deceitful pair. A lot of pressure for one humble sales assistant, and we'd love to honour the person who stepped up to the job. Wherever they may be.
The pod of dolphins who rescued frostbit boy
Ruairí McSorley himself is busy carving out his new image, working on ad campaigns and so forth, but the pod of dolphins who rescued him off the coast of Kerry back in the summer of 2021? We're sure they'd put together some whopper group numbers on DWTS. And since Fungie is sadly no longer with us, it's about time the country elected a new dolphin mascot.
The guard who took the LUAS while allegedly running the Dublin Marathon
It'd be a real redemption story for this lad. Think Matt Hancock on I'm a Celeb.
The woman who saw Padre Pio in her bannister
Her phone call into Liveline put her on the map, now let's see what she can do in some sequins and a pair of ballroom shoes.
The person who Teresa Mannion spotted swimming in the sea during Storm Desmond
Their actions were, famously, idiotic, but if they were able to brave those treacherous waves? We'd love to see what they could do on that glittery dancefloor.
So there you go, our dream lineup for DWTS Ireland. Anyone we missed out? Brian McFaddens first cousin twice removed? The woman who was caught on dash cam footage boldly proclaiming "you're actin' the bollox"? Be sure to let us know in the comments.
READ NEXT: Average rent in Ireland up by 82% since 2010