12 Things You'll Realise If You Peaked In Primary School

It's a blessing, and a curse

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Come the day, cometh the hour, that you are no longer the shiniest apple in the orchard of your teacher’s eye.

Yes, you’ve been warned that the precocious child is almost always condemned to a lifetime of anti-climax – but who knew it would all happen so fast?!

So here, as we watch legions of poor little idiots shuffle off to school on our morning commute, are 12 things people who peaked in primary school will wholly understand.

1. Not getting 100% without trying 

The first symptom. Let’s set the scene. You’ve settled in to your new routine of secondary school life, your over-sized, over-worn, hand-me-down school uniform is looking remarkably well on your pre-pubescent body.

Basically, everything’s coming up Milhouse. Until your first English essay comes back, for which you didn’t read the book because why would you?

62%. Fuck. Life has begun.


2. The relentless comparisons to younger siblings/cousins/enemies

A few weeks/months/decades go by, and the whole family is in silent agreement that you’ve lost your status as the biggest of fish in the smallest of ponds.

It’s never said however, Jesus don’t mention the war. 

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3. Locking yourself in your room when family friends come over to avoid them asking about your unbridled demise 

Pretty much. 

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4. Having fond memories of being nicknamed Sonia O’Sullivan, but now struggling to breathe on the seventh step of stairs

Guess who has two thumbs up and is picked last in P.E.? This guy.


5. The torture of no longer getting every lead role ever, even though you’re obviously perfect for it

Sandy in Grease is blonde, and I’m blonde. What am I not getting here?

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6. Your parents commenting on how well (insert younger model of yourself) is getting on in life

This is actually relevant for the rest of your life, welcome to the dog-eat-dog world, bud. Prime example; do you know a two-year-old has recently become the youngest member of Mensa?! 

What a dick.


7. Having to actually WORK to receive your boss’ approval


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8. Receiving work appraisal

Don’t they know who you are? What you’re capable of?

They must be bored. 

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9. Coming second, or even third, is now an excuse to go for drinks

Your ten year old self would be ashamed. 

A cause for celebration you say? You should be setting yourself up to a night of frowning and beige-coloured foods.

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10. Slumming it with the other subordinate chumps in work

Trim the fat of those losers, lads. 

Trim. The. Fat.

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11. Attempts of fluency abroad get more and more pitiful each time

Yes, while it was cute that you taught yourself the French past participle whilst on holiday in Lyon in the Summer of 98’, not allowing the very busy waitress to translate the menu for you because you swear YOU FUCKING KNOW THIS ONE, is not.

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12. The stinging realisation you’ve become hideously comfortable with mediocrity

Did we even have a choice? But fear not brethren, we’re all in this together...


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