12 Standard Conversations We've All Had With An Irish Taxi Driver
"C'mere, are you busy?"
Conversations with taxi drivers take two forms. The first is when you're usually either desperately hungover/late/not bothered, while Tom/Dick/Harry proceeds to chew the ear off you.
The second is when you're desperately drunk and start to view the taxi driver as Dr. Phil on wheels and begin to load all your emotional baggage on a man who's about to charge you €15 for a spin.
One thing is for sure, you'll have the same conversations EVERY TIME.
Admit it, you've used every one of these...
1. "What time are you on until?"
An absolute fail-safe. Unless they're on late and cranky as f*ck due to the prospect of picking more drunkards like yourself. If they've just started, you've potentially caught them at their friendliest peak.
2. "Did you go on any holidays this year?"
The answer will always, ALWAYS be Lanzarote. Bonus points if he adds that he went with the wife and kids.
3. "The Government, eh?"
Ask them this before they inevitably beat you to it. They'll be keen to grill you on your political views - who you like, who you don't. Chances are, they'll hate 90% of them... reserving special hatred for An Taoiseach.
4. "What do you think about [relevant news story]?"
The radio will more than likely help you segway nicely into this topic - appropriate ones currently would be Apple Tax, the new iPhone or the bus strikes.
5. "This traffic is awful, isn't it?"
You're on to a winner if you can segway into a critique of another motorist's driving. This can be a remark about lack of indication, ("gas the way some people don't believe in indicators") or speed ("God, someone's in an awful hurry this morning!").
6. "And are you staying around town for the night?"
This will open up a conversation about the city centre's, eh, colourful night life. You may also get a story about the worst passenger they've ever had - be warned that this will feature a significant amount of vomit.
7. "Any plans for the weekend?"
It's important to bear in mind that they absolutely do not give a sh*t about yours, but they'll be only DELIGHTED to tell you about their plans to go on the beer/gardening/watch some kind of sporting activity.
8. "What's the insurance on this like?"
Admittedly this isn't one you'd think of off the top of your head, but trust me, this'll get them going. If you're really lucky, this convo could last you the length of your journey. Thank me later.
9. Some vague attack on cyclists
Works every time.
10. "Mayo haven't a chance in the All Ireland, sure they don't?"
If this sounds like double Dutch to you, don't worry. Just repeat these two phrases and your taxi driver will take the lead.
"I can't wait to see Connolly run rings around Lee Keegan."
"And sure, Joe Brolly's an awful dickhead!"
11. "What do you make of that Trump lad?"
This is the point where your taxi driver could unfortunately reveal himself or herself to be the racist lizard person he or she really is. Enjoy the debate regardless.
12. "The weather's awful changeable, isn't it?
They know more about meteorology than Met Éireann at this stage.
Enjoy your trip!