New To The Parish? Here's Your Complete 20-Step Guide to Irish Etiquette
Follow these simple instructions and you'll fit right in
Us Irish are a fairly odd bunch by most people's standards. Apart from our own, of course.
For the many who come and try to adjust to our ways of life, it can be a struggle to fit in with the humour and general 'acting the eejit' way we present ourselves.
Many of our cousins Stateside take great pleasure in pronouncing themselves as Irish, but often fail to grasp the intricacies of our way of life.
If you're new to the place, we've got you covered with this ultimate guide to Irish etiquette.
Carry it with you to pubs, GAA matches and wakes and you can't possibly go wrong.
1. PDA is NOT acceptable
Keep your hands to yourself. That shit is for the bedroom.
2. The other end of the scale also applies
Unlike our European neighbours, who are more willing to argue with friends or partners in public, Irish people prefer the silent treatment in front of others.
In a "wait until I get you home" kind of way.
3. The better the friend, the more insulting the conversation
All aboard the banter bus.
4. When on a country road, you better raise a finger to acknowledge the oncoming car
If it's your mate, you must elevate that to a full hand salute.
5. On a trip to the pub, make sure you buy your round
Or be forever cast as the stingy hoor of the group.
6. Ordering a half pint will result in raised eyebrows
Have you gone soft?
7. Leave the immersion on at your peril
8. Your second cousins' mates' great uncle died?
You'd better go to the wake so. It doesn't matter if you've never met them.
9. Don't dare refuse a hang sandwich and a mug of tae at said wake
Sharing condolences always requires milk and two sugars.
10. Heading to Croker? Get the boot filled with flasks of tae and an tinfoil packed sandwiches for the day
Them fellas in Dublin would rip the hand clean off ya.
11. Sharing is most certainly not caring
You order one meal and you'll be fecked if anyone else is getting near your plate.
12. Behold the 'multiples of three' rule
You agree to go for a pint, you'll go for three. Say you're going for a couple, and it will be a minimum of six, and so on and so forth.
13. When someone comes into your house, don't even give them a chance to say hello
Offer them a cup of tae before they can get a word out.
14. Certain commonly-used words may have multiple meanings
Which may confuse the shite out of anyone not from Ireland.
15. Unless someone is dead, EVERY conversation must start with a detailed analysis of what the weather is like
Fine soft day, eh?
16. If you follow no. 15 correctly, you should get into a good complaining mood
Continue this to good effect while talking about the price of a pint and the state of the roads.
17. Take care when speaking with anyone who has children over 18
Make sure to ask them how their son or daughter is getting on in Australia with feigned sincerity – and try not to mutter anything under your breath.
18. It's essential to brush up on your knowledge of Father Ted
Hours can be spent rhyming off lines from the show.
19. 'Fuck off' is a completely acceptable replacement for 'are you serious?'
No need to take offence.
20. There is only one way to correctly complete an Irish phone call
You may not end a phone conversation without engaging in all-out battle with the person on the other end to find out who can get the last 'bye' in there.
Example: "Bye, bye, bye, right good luck, bye, bye, bye".