This VERY Angry British Man Has Written A Gas Hate-Filled Rant About Ireland
Well, I never.
Jim Browne (yeah, we never heard of him either) appears to be a very angry man. Like, very angry.
But what's got the lad so riled up? Well, us it appears. It seems Ireland's politicians, spotty youths, puppy farms and verbal diarrhoea has left Jim a bit Browned off.
Writing for a publication called Country Squire (who have a scarecrow as their cover image on Twitter), Jim spews a feckload of bile all over his keyboard in an attempt to paint Ireland as some sort of rural backarse of Europe.
While we could try and sum up the piece towards some sort of point Auld Jim is trying to make, it really is just a bunch paragraphs based on things about 'Eire' that piss him off. Come on now, Jim. Maybe if you got to know us you'd like us!
Nah, to be serious for a second, in between pointless anti-craic barbs, Jim appears to be trying to suggest that Britain is better off having nothing to do Ireland and that'll we'll be fecked once our neighbours to the east have left the EU.
In the piece entitled, 'Get stuffed, Eire' he writes:
"Britain is far and away Ireland’s biggest trading partner, accounting for 50 per cent of exports from the Republic. Ireland is virtually entirely dependent upon its larger neighbour for energy, importing 90 per cent of its oil and more than 90 per cent of its gas from the UK.
"One estimate says a Brexit could see trade between the two countries reduced by 20 per cent or more, while trade barriers would jack up prices of Irish imports from the UK. The effect on the Republic could be devastating."
Thanks for your concern, Jim but we reckon we'll be alright.
The best parts of the piece though are the ones where Auld Jim fecks off into a tangent about general gripes he has regarding the Irish nation with the likes of Leo Varadkar and Bob Geldof taking a particular bating.
"The Irish Government under its latest lippy Taoiseach, Leo Varadkar, continues the Irish tradition of being bloody difficult and is used like de Valera by the Germans.
Varadkar sees Brexit as an opportunity to be a pain in the situpon. He has said the country will not “design a border for the Brexiteers” as his foreign minister said there was no proposal to make the Irish Sea the new frontier with the UK after withdrawal.
Let’s take stock for a moment.
Eire is the land of puppy farms, rain-soaked holidays, dingy bars, drugs mule celebs, verbal diarrhoea and squeaky fiddles – that fool Bob Geldof comes from there. A “country” where the burglars from Britain with surnames like Kettle and Rafferty – return to build eyesore “palaces” in ratholes like Rathkeale (a small Irish town swollen by the proceeds of crime). Eire is bankrupt yet replete with EU white elephants (many unfinished as the money dried up to complete motorways and other infrastructure) – the destination for lots of British money via the EU unelected overlords in recent decades. The country’s banking history is a joke – wasted away on a property boom and buying in furniture restoring old British castles for narcissistic Irish “entrepreneurs”.
Hey! Leo and Bob might act the eejit sometimes but they're OUR eejits.
Jim then even brings our favourite chocolate and most legendary football manager into his torrent of abuse, like so:
"The best things in Eire are all British – amongst them Cadbury’s chocolate, Jack Charlton and the English breakfast.
"Even their much-heralded patron Saint was a Brit and they had to kidnap the poor fellow – at the age of sixteen Patrick was captured by a group of Irish pirates who brought him to Ireland where he was enslaved and held captive for several years (one wonders if the plastic Paddies in Boston and Chicago who dye their rivers green know this?)."
We think you'll find it's an IRISH breakfast Jim. And don't get jealous now because the rivers of Middle England don't get the Irish treatment on March 17. If you're after that kind of craic, you have to earn it.
A few more of our favourite bits are Jim telling 'Eire's dairy' it can "get lost" (cue sobbing cows around the country), saying that "the border with Eire should be set up however the UK wants it" (okay Jim, lol) and referring to our young folk who have left these shores in search of a better life as "spotty youths". We sense that our recession-hit emigrants in Melbourne, New York and Vancouver will be cancelling their Country Squire subscriptions post haste.
If you fancy a bit of a laugh this Friday afternoon, you can check out Aul Jim's classic rant in full here.
Cheers, Jim. We needed that. The Guinness is on us next time you're over!
P.S. A word of advice, Jim. We're not sure what's going on with this pic but it might be time to take down the Christmas decorations.