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14th Mar 2019

7 Types Of Snakes That St. Patrick REALLY Should Have Banished In Ireland

Darragh Berry

Nothing worse than someone with a snake-y old personality about them. Some of your best friends could be the snakiest people of the lot but by the time you realise it, it’s too late. They’ve already worked their snake-y magic and are snaking their way in and out of things without you even knowing.

Pure snake-acting, you know the way.

But imagine, a 2019 where there was no such thing as snakes? You wouldn’t need to watch your back every time they’re around. There’s only one man who could sort it all out and if St. Patrick was to come back and give us a hand shaping up the people of this country, we have a feeling that these are the snakes he’d start with first.

1. The people who comment on your photo but don’t like it. 

I didn’t get into this Facebook and Instagram life for my comment game to be strong, if you’re not going to give us the loveheart but have the time to TAKE THE PISS by commenting something stupid, you’re the first one feeling Paddy’s wrath.

2, People who eat the last sweet/biscuit and put the wrapper back in its place

Oh no, you gots to get got, fool. There is no moment more heartbreaking than when you remember at work that you have one biscuit or sweet left at home. You crave it all day and as you open the cupboard, you see the pack standing in front of you but as you go to lift it, it’s light, like, reallllly light.

Steal my biscuits and don’t replace them, that’s perfectly okay but leave the empty packet back and think I won’t notice? That’s snakish behaviour.

3. People who take clothes without asking

Don’t think that people who ask for the clothes but never return them are getting away, oh no sir. They are both as bad as each other. But taking clothes without asking and returning them and pretending that no one will be any the wiser is pure snake-like. It’s slippy, get your own snake-sized clothes ya big auld shnakeee.

4. People who dodge their round at the bar 

These are the quintessential snake. If you have the slyness to do something like this, you’ll probably do everything on this list. Because, even some snakes have the decency to get their drinks in. Nothing worse than a group of lads on the tear and when it comes to that person’s round, they disappear and come back just after someone else has taken one for the team before they go dry.

Funny that, Tom isn’t it? If that’s your real name, you slippery SNAKE.

5. People who say they haven’t studied but get an A

Throwback to shitting it for exams. What a lovely memory.

Anyways, when you’re deep in the shit for an exam, it’s always nice to know that someone is in the same position as you. They haven’t studied? Neither have I. They’re going to fail? SO AM I! You become the two best friends that anyone could have in that moment…

…only to find that they were lying through their snake-hissing tongue.

They go back to mommy and daddy snake with 97% and you go back to your parents with nothing but disappointment.

Oh, friend. Lying exam friend.

6. People who say they’re not going out when you ask

And then you see them in 12 Instagram stories later that night. Apparently Mary asked them out and one drink led to another. Going for one drink my hole, that never EVER happens.

7. People who ask for the lone of a lighter and then ask for a cigarette

Most people have got fooled by this trick at least once in their life. The cigarette scabber is a master of their trade. They know that if they ask you for a cigarette you’ll just say ‘none left mate’. But, if they ask you for a light, they know you’re a full-on smoker and that excuse of ‘none left’ doesn’t work any more.

If it happens to you, let them keep the lighter and refuse the cigarette. Snakes are highly flammable apparently*

*May be untrue.

Can you think of any other snakey behaviour? Let us know in the comments. Together, we can tackle this snake epidemic.