Are you in dire need of some tender loving care?
Well, you've come to the wrong place, my friend.
Because what you'll find below is a list of places that will provide anything but love. These are places where you can get a sneaky, sly shift in every county in Ireland.
Don't agree? Let us know...
Antrim – Thompsons Garage, Belfast
Patterson's Place, Belfast
It wouldn't be a trip to Belfast without a good gobbin' in Thompsons Garage, our sources reliably inform us.
It is possible to find luv in da club, or in this case, in a garage.
Armagh – The Hole In The Wall
Market Street, Armagh Town
Generations upon generations of locals have fallen in love in this bar.
But don't lose sights of what you're really there for... the shift.
Carlow – Scraggs
Tullow Street, Co Carlow
Slime and grime aside, if you're on the prowl for a guaranteed shift then Scraggs is almost always a reliable spot for just that.
Cavan – Imperial Nightclub and Bar
Main Street, Cavan Town
You can't beat a good old tongue wrestle in The Imperial – it's a coming of age and a rite of passage that all Cavan people must endure.
You'll never forget your first <3
Clare – Willie Clancy
Miltown Malbay, Co Clare
Did you even go to Willie Clancy if you didn't get the shift?
The masses descend upon Miltown Malbay for what is always an unforgettable week of music, culture, dance and plenty of... you guessed it... shiftin'.
Cork – The Savoy
St Patrick's Street, Cork City
A clear winner when it comes to shifting, all sides; if you don't pull in The Savoy there's no hope for the human race.
Donegal – Barca Bar
Navenny Street, Ballybofey, Co Donegal
Previously known as 'Barcelona', the Barca Bar is solid venue for a bit of tongue-twister.
We've all been there.
Derry – Granny Annie's
Waterloo Street, Derry City
If you're looking for The One, then you would wanna look somewhere else because you won't find 'em here – Granny Annie's is for instant regrets only.
And, oh, the regrets you will have.
Down – The Goat's Toe
Main Street, Bangor, Co Down
The name of this alt bar really, um, sets the tone for the evening.
Their Facebook page description says it all really: "The same as everyone else but slightly better".
Dublin – Temple Bar
Anywhere in Temple Bar, Dublin City Centre
Obviously we all know Coppers as a steamy hub of suspicious, borderline-illicit behaviour. But if you take your sneaky shifts seriously then you will know Temple Bar is where things really go down.
No tourist can resist a quick póg, a lovely Irish accent or the fact that ye will never see each other again. The drinks may be extortionate but the memories will last a lifetime.
Fermanagh – The Crowes Nest, Enniskillen
High Street, Enniskillen, Co Fermanagh
Lock eyes from across the room, down your pint, pluck up some courage and ask: "Will you shift my friend?"
"Oh. Ok, will you shift me?"
A modern day romance.
Galway – Róisín Dubh
Dominick Street, Galway City Centre
As a consistent venue for a good oul' shift you just can't go wrong with Róisín Dubh. Whether it's that lad you went to primary school with, an old estranged friend or a perfect stranger you're after – you'll find them all in Róisín.
(Honourable mention: Hole in the Wall during RAG Week is also a solid option for an annual exchange of saliva.)
Kerry – Hillgrove Niteclub, Dingle
Spa Road, Dingle, Co Kerry
If you're looking to get the face worn off ya, then you've come to the right place.
The Hillgrove has taken many a frigidity over the last three decades. Now that's something to be proud of.
Kildare – The Court, Naas
Main Street, Naas, Co Kildare
Time waits for no man, but The Court is home to some of the most unforgettable shifts in the history of shifts.
Sweet, sweet memories.
Kilkenny – Left Bank
The Parade, Kilkenny Town
Well known for satisfied customers getting their bit.
Where better to have a fling than in Kilkenny?
Laois – Coppers, Portlaoise
Market Square, Portlaoise, Co Laois
Well known to locals but an alien concept to outsiders: Portlaoise has its very own Coppers. Who knew?
Loved by locals for a good jaw-lock.
Leitrim – Club 360, Carrick-on-Shannon
The Landmark Hotel, Carrick-on-Shannon, Co Leitrim
Some say the club is named after the most shifts by one person in a single night.
Is that a challenge? It sounds like a challenge.
Limerick – Angel Lane
Robert Street, Limerick City
Basic but golden. Find the randomer of your dreams and maul the face off them.
Love IS real.
Longford – The Spiral Tree
Main Street, Co Longford
Filled to the brim with craytures of the finest variety.
A trustworthy club to satisfy your necking-on needs.
Louth – Electric Ballroom, Drogheda
Fairgreen, Drogheda, Co. Louth
Masses of youths aside, Electric Ballroom will find you a partner to 'meet', and maybe more...
You minx, you.
Mayo – The Castle, Westport
Castlebar Street, Westport, Co Mayo
Worth a special visit in its own right.
All you need to do is say "Mayo for Sam" with a wink and you'll have them in the palm of your hand.
Meath – The Palace, Navan
Ludlow Street, Navan, Co. Meath
You can nearly see the hormones pumping out of The Palace as you stagger through the queue, beer goggles locked and ready.
Tonight's the night...
Monaghan – Vanity Nightclub
Main Street, Carrickmacross, Co Monaghan
As scarred for life as this place will leave you, it had to be included on this list.
Offaly – The Palace, Tullamore
Bridge Street, Tullamore, Co. Offaly
Tullamore's "premiere venue" always plays host to a wide variety of shiftable suitors.
You won't be stuck for choice. And sure if all else fails you'll always find someone outside of Supermacs.
Roscommon – Rockfords Nightclub
Castle Street, Co Roscommon
Being able to say that you've sucked face in Rockfords will earn you brownie points all over the country.
Legend status, confirmed.
Sligo – The Strand, Strandhill
Shore Road, Strandhill, Co Sligo
The only place to grab a sly shift after tag rugby on a Thursday. When you need it most.
Tipperary – Lar Corbett's At Coppinger's
Parnell Street, Thurles, Co. Tipperary
A notorious spot for that sort of carry on – with shifts as legendary as the man after whom it's named.
Lar Corbett's Monday and Thursday nights will go down in history.
Tyrone – Sense
Drum Road, Cookstown, Co Tyrone
Maybe it's love, or maybe it's your lack of sight in the dark club, but tonight everyone in Sense is shiftable.
Take your pick.
Waterford – Masons Bar
Manor Street, Waterford City
With drinks for just €3 it won't be long before you're flirting with the wall.
But if you can manage to latch onto a gal or guy before you've hit that level of drunk then bat those eyelashes and pucker the fuck up.
Westmeath – Fence
Oliver Plunkett Street, Mullingar, Co. Westmeath
If you're looking for a slightly fancier facial-frolic then Fence is the exact place to descend upon.
Wexford – The Strawberry Festival
Enniscorthy, Co Wexford
It wasn't easy to look past The Stores and Benedict's, where everyone and their mother has once gotten the shift.
But all Wexford locals know that the annual Strawberry Festival is where true love is born. And by true love I mean a regret-filled snog.
Shedfest is also a good shout for an annual smooch. Because what happens in the shed, stays in the shed.
Wicklow – The Harbour Bar, Bray
Strand Road, Bray, Co. Wicklow
Escape upstairs with your bae-du-jour. Find a nice couch in front of the fire and lob the gob.
Be sure to close your eyes though. The paintings on the walls are creepy af and mood killers for sure.
So now. Let the fighting commence...