Search icon


12th Dec 2018

“You’re Some Character Balthazar” – Ranking Everyone That Features In The Crib From Worst To Best

Darragh Berry

For the 657th time in its history, your old primary school is probably recreating ‘The Nativity’.

I was in our Nativity twice, once as a wiseman and the last time was as a narrator, thank Christ.

You can tell how well liked you were by your teacher by what part you played in the Nativity.

If you got the narrator role, it probably meant you were one of the best readers in the class.

If you got Mary, you were probably a great actress even at that early age. And if you got the donkey, well, you can probably solve that one for yourself.

We’ve decided to rank all the characters in the nativity and just because they call him Jesus Christ, doesn’t mean that he’s getting number one on our list.

And by Nativity we mean the ones you see on the crib, not the lobsters and octopuses that were added into the Nativity in Love Actually.

12. The Inn Keepers:

Booooooo to them.

They didn’t give a flying fiddlers about the pregnant woman. They were happy out because they had filled all their vacancies for what’s normally a very quiet time of the month for them.

They come in last and we almost considered having “no room at the Inn” for them.

11. Horses:

Imagine going through the most stressful moment of your life, after walking miles and miles only to have to face some horse taking a massive dump in the corner and neighing every two seconds.

We know the manger was their home but Joseph should have given them the shoe before they started the whole birthing process.

10. Doves:

They are meant to represent a sign of God’s peace. Look, they don’t have much to do but they do it well so we’re sticking them here.

9. Shepherds and their sheep:

They were given strict orders by the angels to visit Mary and Jesus but for feck sake, they only went and brought their herd of sheep with them.

It’s the modern day equivalent of walking into your neighbours house with muck on your shoe and dragging it across the house.

Can you imagine the noise? Can you imagine the mess? Ah sham alive, between them and the donkey sure the place would have stank.

We hope Joseph wasn’t wearing his good working boots in the manger.

8. Donkey:

The reason the donkey isn’t at the back with the horses is because some speculate that the donkey aided Mary on the way to Bethlehem.

Regardless, we’re sticking the good old ass here on the basis that it was always great craic taking the piss out of your mate who got the role of donkey in the school play.

7. Melchior:

Like the Godfather you only see once a year, Melchior arrives prepared with no present whatsoever. He’s completely forgotten about the birth on the way. So, he just reaches into the pocket and takes out a ball of gold when he arrives.

The amount of gold that would make Joseph joke: “I’m in the wrong trade” or “well if I had your money, I’d burn me own.”

No thought put into this present but baby JC would have some amount of new clothes. Same expected for the Communion, please.

6. Caspar:

Swoops in like a proud Aunty who’s just bought their nephew a second-hand iPhone X handing over the Frankincense (which is worth four or five times more than gold).

He knows that he’s rinsed Melchior when it comes to presents and thinks there’s no way that he can be beaten. But wait, there’s more…

5. Balthazar:

He’s like, “Caspar, hold my cloak”. Wham! Like producing the brand new iPhone equipped with AirPods, this lad has completely overshadowed everyone with the Myrrh (which is worth twice as much as Frankincense).

All in all, the gifts add up to about a staggering €500,000 in today’s money according to this research.

4. Joseph:

He’s lucky he’s gotten this far up the list. We know he had to go back to Bethlehem from Nazareth for the census but surely the Roman Emperor Augustus would have understood that his missus was ready to pop.

No, instead he dragged Mary about 70 miles back to his hometown just to sign a sheet and the in-laws wouldn’t even offer Mary the house to stay in.

Talk about a wagon of a mother-in-law.

We’d say the death stares were something else when Joseph let out the first “I’m awful tired” or “my feet are killing me” comments.

3. The Angel:

The star (or what would now be known as the signpost) wasn’t enough for the Shepherds or the Wise men. They still had to get onto the poor angel to give them directions.

The Angel was flat out for the whole nativity, like a live sat-nav. It would almost remind you of parents trying to give house directions to their daughter’s new boyfriend.

“Take a left at the Inn and keep going until you see the donkey. You’re at the Post Office? Ah no, you’ve gone too far.”

Directing traffic into all hours of the night and after all that, they didn’t even invite The Angel in for a cup of scald at the end.

2. JC:

Some fuss over this buck. If only he knew how popular he was going to be at house parties when he was older. Multiplying fishes and loaves, turning water into wine and the squad of lads he had behind him.

“Do another trick for us there, Jesus. You’re some craic, hey.”

1. Mary:

It was never in any doubt. She deserves a gold medal for hauling herself at 9 months pregnant the distance between Athlone and Dublin.

From day one, she took it all in her stride. “I’m pregnant?” Grand. “Son of God?” No bother. “No room at the Inn?” No panic.

You’re a Saint, Mary.

READ NEXT:18 Reasons Why Jesus Was Definitely 100% Irish