‘Cos if 2023 was anything to go by 2024 will undoubtedly have a whole lot of unhinged to give
Let’s face it this year was as unhinged as you are likely to get, the 12 months felt akin to falling down a dark staircase with no indicator of when your body would meet the impending concrete floor. In keeping with the uncertainty and trying to keep up with what will no doubt be our new reality, we asked Chat GYP for some 2024 predictions and were given a cop-out answer. The so-called fountain of knowledge and relinquisher of our careers had this to tell us, “I don’t have information on events or developments specific to Ireland in 2024”. So while we still have a job, here’s what we think are the predictions for 2024:
16. Daniel and Majella O’Donnell enter a throupleÂ
Last year was undoubtedly the year of the couple + 1, with Una Healy making headlines with a high profile throuple with David Haye and Sian Osborne. We see no reason why Ireland’s premiere couple Daniel and Majella, won’t find the space in their relationship to do the same.
15. Danielle Walsh has a collab with WKDÂ
A match that’s been surely made in alco-pop heaven, we are predicting that (and for pres tonight) Danielle Walsh will have a hand in creating her very own flavour of WKD (potentially a raspberry x blueberry vape ombre) each bottle sold will come with a novelty-sized straw for maximum slurping.
14. Ryan Tubridy sits down with OprahÂ
Forget Doireann Garrihy’s podcast, Tubs will be sitting on Oprah’s couch in 2024 and conducting a tell-all interview about his take on the RTE saga. This interview may or may not be turned into a Spotify podcast and contain the phrase, ‘were you silent, or were you silenced?’.
13. Hollywood relocates to Hollywood in co. WicklowÂ
2023 has seen a frankly weird fascination with our Emerald Isle by the celebrity set, from SJP’s romanization of red cheddar to Christina Hendricks never checking out of Ashford Castle. In 2024 we are predicting a permanent relocation of A-listers to the quant farming village in Hollywood, co. Wicklow. Sure they have the sign and all.
12. Greg O’Shea goes on First DatesÂ
There’s truly nothing that Greg O’Shea (Love Islander Season 5) will not have a crack at and we are predicting that he will don his skinniest trousers and head out to the Gibson for a First Date. We are predicting that he gets paired with a charming 60-year-old Mammy, with whom he will have a great chat with find out that there’s no romantic connection.
11. Jedward becomes a dad
It just seems like a natural move for the twins, that one of them becomes a dad to a beautiful blonde be-quiffed baby, that will hopefully be the Irish Eurovision winner in 2049.
10. Only John from Jedward goes for the Eurovision
Listen we are here for Jedward to pitch their beautiful hats into the ring for a third time, but we are predicting that only John will pursue the coveted competition with his 10-minute B-side version of Lipstick.
9. Old Mr Brennan reveals he is a SouthsiderÂ
In a shocking statement Old Mr Brennan, responds to swirling allegations about his origins. Addressing the “haters” Mr Brennan will reveal that he is in fact from the deepest Dublin southside, growing up in Booterstown, attending St Andrews before undergoing a BESS from UCD.
8. Sound Quality Gifts (Monaghan) gets done for speeding
Taking to the road in a shopping trolley, we predict that Sound Quality Gifts gets done for speeding while in the midst of shooting an incredible TikTok. Listen the fine is worth it for all that sweet sweet viral content.
7. Teresa Mannion comes out with a line of umbrellasÂ
Thanks to the climate crisis, it seems like there will be no shortage of extreme weather events in store for us in 2024. Seizing on a practical and profitable opportunity we predict that Mannion will bring out a range of indestructible rainbow umbrellas that will be decorated with the words “Don’t make unnecessary journeys”.
6. SJP gets a Charleville cheese tattoo
Such is SJ’s love for Ireland and our unique red cheddar, that she brands her body with a visual reminder of it, just so she never forgets the tangy taste.
5. The HSE sanctions Leo’s fridgeÂ
After releasing a questionable recipe, the HSE was forced to issue a statement urging the public not to follow the steps for fear of public hysteria. It will later transpire that Leo received written warnings for airing his sad Birthday Battenberg cake and his even sadder pancake Tuesday offering.
4. Dustin the turkey dies of an overdoseÂ
2023 undoubtedly took out many of the greats from our midst, we are forced to make the unfortunate prediction that Dustin the turkey meets an untimely end and ends up on a plate for Christmas dinner.
3. Mrs Brown’s Boys signs a 30-year deal
While all around us in media there are cut after cut, one thing remains sure, Mrs Brown’s Boys. We predict that the producers will sign a deal that will bring them into their retirement, forcing the show into the hands of their children to produce. Much like death and taxes, you can always count on Mrs Brown’s Boys staying around (for some reason).
2. Louis Walsh will make a presidential bid
With Miggledy’s term ending in 2025, we expect this year to hold a lot of random and unqualified individuals throwing their names into the ring (see Conor McGregor’s signals). You can see Louis Walsh standing in his X-factor-themed bedroom mirror asking himself, ‘you know what? Why not me?’ and you know what we can imagine a lot of other people saying the same thing.
1. Anne Doyle releases a prosecco collab with James Kavanagh
Following on from her rousing success as an author, the sky is truly the limit for newly retired Anne Doyle. We predict great things for her in 2024, including a prosecco collab with everyone’s favourite influencer James Kavanagh. We’ve no doubt that the likes of illustrator Conor Merriman will design the front incorporating something that means a lot to Doyle and Kavanagh, like Diana the cat reading the news.
Header image is AI-generated via this websiteÂ
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