It's pretty standard among the younger generations of Ireland that nobody really goes to mass anymore.
The Catholic Church is in decline and the thirst for religious guidance is pretty much on the wane.
Which means you don't have to worry about things like remembering how to bless yourself or whether you need to kneel or stand at any given moment.
Unless of course, you're at a wedding or funeral or it's Christmas time in which case you're really fecked. How many of these can you relate to?
1. "What should I wear?"
Do I rock the full suit or no?
2. "Why are they standing?"
I'm all out of rhythm here.
3. "Wait, they're kneeling. Why are they kneeling? Should I be kneeling too?"
4. "Is this a new prayer? Should I know this one? I don't remember this one."
This wasn't in my third class religion book.
5. "I hope no one sees me making a balls of blessing myself."
Does it go 'spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch' or 'testicles, wallet, spectacles, watch?'
6. "Why are some people singing it? Should I be singing too?"
Mumbling will help.
7. "How long is mass?"
Thought it was only half an hour?
8. "Oh good, here's the 'Our Father'. I'll nail this one."
Know this like the back of me hand.
9. "Why are they repeating the 'Hail Mary' over and over again?"
Are they broken?
10. "Are those two auld lads going to keep chatting throughout the whole thing? Have they no respect?"
Whisht, would you.
11. "Oh good, now the baby's crying."
Can't blame him.
12. "Is that old priest asleep? Is he dead?"
Anyone wanna check?
13. "Now I'm falling asleep."
14. "Time for Communion. Do I have to go to the altar? Will they come down here?"
Just follow everyone else.
15. "Left hand over right hand or right hand over left? I'll just stick my tongue out."
I have no idea what I'm doing.
16. "Please don't touch my tongue with your fingers, please don't touch my tongue with your fingers."
17. "Oh you're meant to kneel after communion too?"
What's that about?
18. "The collection plate. How much do I give? I have no change. Will they take card?"
Or a twenty cent piece?
19. "Cool, it's over now. Or is it?"
20. "Now everyone is shaking hands. Should I shake that guy's hand? He's a bit far. How come she didn't shake hands with me?"
What's yo problem?
21. "The sign of the gospel. I'll just tap my forehead several times."
Is this the Ash Wednesday thing?
22. "That must be it finished. Is it? Is it really?"
Could it be true?
23. "Right. Pints."