Have you been noticing… signs in your other half?
I’m talking about clues that they may not be all that they seem, hints that maybe, just maybe, the person you love most in this world may be suffering from the sickness known as notions.
It’d break their poor mother’s heart to learn of it, ’twas far from pink Champagne they were reared, but sometimes it just can’t be denied.
Do you have the sneaking suspicion that your other half is riddled with notions? Well then, consider us a WebMD for pretentiousness, cos we’re about to tell you symptoms to look out for…
1. They do big shops in M&S
This cannot be considered normal human behaviour.
2. They hire a cleaner for their apartment
Heaven forbid they have to deal with their own filth.
3. They show ZERO respect to waiting staff
Leaving you both red-faced and terrified of that inevitable spit-speckled main.
4. If a crisp isn’t gourmet, they don’t want anything to do with it
The tragedy being they’ll never know the simple pleasure of a Tayto sambo.
— John M Sweeney (@johnmsweeney) August 9, 2015
5. They do Bikrim Yoga
If your partner likes to spend €50 to contort themselves in a highly humid 40°C room in their underwear while surrounded by strangers, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your relationship.
6. They’ve become too good for Penneys
7. They insist on spectacular holiday destinations purely for social media material
Putting you on Instagram spouse duties.
8. You “embarrass” them by asking for ketchup in a classy restaurant
Your constant search for tomato-y deliciousness offends their delicate sensibilities.
9. They’re always on a fad diet
Meaning they’ll always just want a “taste” of your actually tasty dinner.
10. They baulk at the very idea of the Eurosaver menu
Placing you in the unenviable position of being caught between the love of your life and your love of value.
If you’re other half meets most of this criteria, we’re afraid the diagnosis is not good — and we prescribe a hefty dose of copping the feck on.